New Life + Loss

I have a secret...

 We found out we were pregnant the Friday before Christmas! I cannot even begin to express the joy, and utter amazement that we felt. It was the most perfect Christmas present ever! I actually did the test myself and revealed it to Trey in the form of a gift.

 Before we were married we decided that we would accept however many children God blessed us with. Sadly, that is abnormal in our culture, but that is something to talk about another day. Nearly four years came and went. We lived in this awkward place of being content with what God had for us at the time and also desiring for the Lord to bless us with children. It’s one of those things that you can’t grasp until you have been there yourself. We had our moments of impatience, but for the most part we felt so blessed by the Lord and He was and is still doing a work in us! He is helping us grow and discover ourselves and His plans for our life.

I was amazed and could hardly comprehend that I was actually pregnant! It was overwhelming to think that a little life was growing inside of me. I thought of things I had never thought of and felt things I had never felt. I began devouring anything that I could get my hands on that contained information on child bearing, delivery, breastfeeding and anything related to this new phase of life I was entering. We had told several people that we were expecting but I used secret boards on Pinterest for the first time ever, as we had yet to publicly announce our wonderful news. I began to learn the most amazing things about pregnancy and childbirth! Trey dug in and began learning right alongside me as we both wanted to be informed and know as much as possible about the process so that we could make the best decisions for our little baby, myself, and our family as a whole.

We celebrated four years of marriage on February 14^th! The next morning I awoke from a fitful sleep and discovered that I had begun spotting. I remained calm but as the day progressed I began to cramp more and more. I knew it was all in God’s hands and I prayed that He would help me keep this baby or help me to let it go. Things remained pretty much the same until around 8 o’clock on Sunday morning. My cramps then grew in intensity and I began to bleed heavily. I tried to stay lying down as much as possible, but I had to keep getting up so that I didn’t make a mess. I passed out twice and felt miserable. I kept hoping that everything would be okay, but I knew it was possible that I was losing the baby. My heart broke. There are no two people alike and I realized that if I lost this baby there would never be another person like it. The world would miss out on what this baby would grow up to offer to those around it. I would never know just what its personality was like or how it looked. I wouldn’t even know if it was a boy or girl.

We decided to stay at home unless the situation became an emergency. I’m so glad that we did. In the midst of this terrible physical and emotional pain I was able to be in the most peaceful, restful, and relaxing place. Trey took such good care of me. He was my rock. He saw to all of my physical needs and offered his loving support and encouragement. One of the best things that he did was to play his guitar and sing softly and quietly. It took my mind off of the pain and helped me relax.

I finally miscarried on Monday afternoon. My heart was sad and I felt so empty. One of my first thoughts was that our suffering was so little compared to what Christ suffered for us. He took on the sin of the world, our sin and died in agony on the cross. He was patient and willing in spite of the physical and emotional pain. Our sin separated Him from his father. God could not even look upon him. He did that for us and he was there with me through my pain. He was with me all the time.

I cannot explain the days that have followed. God has poured such peace and joy over us! I know it sounds strange to say that we have been joyful, but it is true! Trey and I have laughed together more these past two weeks than our entire married life so far. God blessed us with time to spend together to draw strength and comfort from one another. There have been moments of tears and sadness, but the joy of the Lord always overwhelmed our sorrow. Friends and family have brought food, sent letters, called to check on us and visited us. We have been lifted up in prayer by so many and we are truly blessed.

God numbered the days of our child before it even was with us. I wouldn’t trade the last few months for anything. God blessed us and our child was a blessing to us while it was here. I will always love my baby and one day I will meet it for the first time in Heaven! God has amazing plans for our lives and I can’t wait to see what he has in store for us! Please continue to keep us in your prayers.

Never take for granted the life giving power that you wield and may the joy of the Lord be your strength! 

~ Clair